Breaking News: The Remains of Jesus Found in Jerusalem

Jerusalem

Preuters News Agency,  February 4, 2019

Archaeologists in Israel announced this morning one of, if not the, greatest archaeological find in human history—the final resting place of Jesus of Nazareth.  While excavating a neighborhood in old Jerusalem, archaeologists discovered a secret underground vault.  Inside the vault was a sarcophagus, and inside the sarcophagus was a well-preserved male body with what appeared to be nail holes in his hands and feet—an obvious victim of crucifixion, say several experts of ancient Jewish history involved in the dig.  Scientists describe the body as amazingly preserved.

Scientific analysis, including carbon dating of the burial shroud covering the body, determined that the body is from the mid first century CE.

Even more shocking, a brief manuscript was discovered inside the sarcophagus which reads:

Here lies the body of Jesus of Nazareth.  He was a prophet of God.  He healed many sick and gave hope to a despondent nation.  He believed and preached that he was the promised Messiah, but he was not.  He was brutally crucified by the Romans during Passover 33 CE, crushing our dream of the restoration of the throne of King David.  He was subsequently buried in a temporary tomb of the Sanhedrin located immediately adjacent to the place of execution known as , “The Place of the Skull”.  The Jewish authorities planned to transfer his body following the Sabbath to a common dirt grave in a plot for criminals and paupers.  I could not allow that to happen to the body of my beloved Master.  During the early twilight following the Sabbath, I and my loyal servants removed his body, hid it in a donkey-drawn cart, and brought it to my home inside the city where I placed him in this sarcophagus inside this secret vault.  I will never let them have him.  My secret will die with me.   

—Mary Magdalene

Subsequent DNA testing has conclusively matched the DNA from the body in the sarcophagus with a Jewish family in northern Israel which claims that they have lived in the hills of northern Israel, around the village of Nazareth, for over 2,000 years. Researchers have conclusively confirmed their story.

Evangelical Christian pastor and evangelist Franklin Graham, son of famed evangelist Billy Graham, when presented with today’s report from Jerusalem remarked, “The is just another attempt by science to discredit the Holy Word of God.  The discovery is a fake, perpetrated by God-hating atheistic scientists.  The Bible assures us that Jesus rose from the dead.  Every true Christian knows this to be an absolute historical fact, not because of scientific evidence, but because of the testimony of the Holy Spirit in his or her heart.  Science will have to come up with something better than a body to prove that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is still dead!”

“Oy vey,” responded one of the Jewish scientists involved in the project.

 

 

 

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