How many times did Jesus ascend to Heaven?

Why didn’t Jesus let Mary Magdalene embrace him when she encountered him at the empty tomb?  Answer:  He had not yet ascended to the Father.  However, why then did Jesus allow the Eleven to embrace him just a short time later on the same day?  Here is one “harmonization” for this alleged biblical discrepancy:

There is nowhere in the Bible that says that Jesus only ascended once. And where was Jesus’ (spirit) during the three days his body was decomposing in the tomb: in Hell, bringing the saints with him to heaven. So here is the scenario:

1. Jesus body dies on the cross.

 2. Jesus’ spirit immediately goes to Hell to take the righteous in Paradise to their new home in heaven. Jesus presents the occupants of Paradise to the Father.

 3. On the third day, his spirit returns to the tomb to be reunited with his reanimated-but-supercharged body, which levitates out of the tomb and makes a quick trip to heaven to check on the new occupants of heaven to make sure that everyone has moved into their personal, custom-designed mansions and that everyone is happy.

 4. Jesus then beams back to the Garden where he meets the women leaving the empty tomb. He allows the women to touch his feet but denies Mary’s request to embrace him, as he needs to make one more trip to heaven before his body as a whole can be embraced (feet embracing was ok). He beams himself to heaven to see his Father for a few hours, and then beams back to the Upper Room to be embraced bodily (not just his feet) by the Eleven.

 5. Sometime in between beaming down to the Upper Room, Jesus teleports over to Emmaus to freak out two of the disciples.

 6. Jesus ascends forty days later.

 7. Jesus descends at least once more to appear as a talking, bright light to Paul, the thirteenth apostle, and according to Paul, the greatest apostle of all.

 8. And then Jesus teleports himself/ascends again to sit at the right hand of the Father (although if you are a Calvinist, only Jesus’ spirit could have appeared to Paul, as Calvinism does not allow for Jesus body to move one inch from the right hand of the Father until the Second Coming).

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