Preuters News Agency
The remains of Jesus of Nazareth were discovered today in an unmarked, common grave in the criminal section of a large first century cemetery east of the old city wall. The remains of the deceased were positively identified by five of the worlds’ top forensic laboratories as that of Jesus ben Joseph of Nazareth using the latest and best DNA analysis comparing samples taken from descendants of Jesus’ brother, James, the first Bishop of Jerusalem, whose grave was excavated in May of 2014.
Representatives of liberal Christian denominations were unfazed by the news: “We have always asserted that Jesus’ resurrection was spiritual, not physical, ” said their spokesperson.
Conservative and orthodox Christian denominations on the other hand were outraged and quickly attempted to discredit the findings. “The DNA testing is obviously fallacious. It couldn’t possibly be correct. Look right here in the Bible, in FOUR different books, it clearly states that Jesus rose bodily from the tomb. We are going to take God’s Holy Word as the truth over the findings of God-hating, atheistic scientists any day of the week! We will never accept the results of this study.”