Jesus: Open this Door!

 
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I believe that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father magically impregnated a woman 2000 years ago with himself, so that he could undergo an ancient ritual of blood sacrifice to dispel a curse laid upon me by a rib-woman when she was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. Then he resurrected himself so that now if I symbolically eat his flesh, drink his blood, and telepathically tell him I accept him as my master, he will remove this curse from my soul so that I can play a harp instead of being tortured forever. (He sacrificed himself, to himself, to save humanity from himself.)
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