Conservative Christian Revisionist Bible Stories: The Ascension

I am amazed at how far conservative Christians are willing to go to hold onto their belief in the historicity of the supernatural claims of the Bible in spite of scientific evidence to the contrary.  Here is one example:

Science has shown that the universe is massive and that to travel to the nearest galaxy to our own, the Andromeda Galaxy, would take two million light years to get there.  So how do conservative Christians explain the Bible passages regarding the ascension of Jesus in which it is said that Jesus ascended to heaven at a speed slow enough for his disciples to see him go?  If Jesus ascended to heaven at a speed slower than the speed of light…he hasn’t even made it to the Andromeda Galaxy yet!

So how does a conservative Christian resolve this discrepancy between the literal reading of the Bible and science. 

From the Conservative Christian Revisionist Bible:


The Ascension of Jesus


After saying this, he  (Jesus) was taken up into a cloud while they were watching, and they could no longer see him because once he entered into the cloud, he twitched his nose, and was immediately teleported into another dimension, the dimension of God, otherwise known as Heaven, which isn’t really “up”.  It is all around us, but Jesus went “up” just to make sure that his thick skulled disciples knew that he had really left them.   10 As they strained to see him rising into heaven, two white-robed men suddenly stood among them. 11 “Men of Galilee,” they said, “why are you standing here staring into heaven? Jesus has been taken from you and teleported into another dimension that you cannot see with the naked eye, but a dimension that is all around us, but someday he will return from heaven in the same way you saw him go:  he will descend from a cloud…even though Heaven isn’t really “up”, but he wants his disciples on earth to know for sure that he is coming from Heaven…which isn’t really up…but…it makes for a more dramatic entrance than just “popping in” from another dimension.”
                                                                                              —Acts 1:6-11
 


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