Christianity in a Nutshell

According to Christianity, the Christian god is not just any average god, he is THE one and only God.  He is the All-Powerful, All-Knowing, Every-Where-Present, Eternal, King of the Universe.  And this is his story:

The Christian God had no beginning.  He has always existed.  Everything that exists exists because he created it.  Although there is only one Christian God, this god is composed of three persons:  the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.  One God, three persons.

So after existing for trillions upon trillions of years, one day, sitting on his throne in Heaven, the (Christian) God decides he wants to create a universe, and specifically, one small planet in that universe upon which he wants to create all kinds of things including living creatures.  And among those living creatures, he decides to create a creature that looks a lot like him.  He calls this creature “man”.

At this point in the story I must point out again, that God is all-knowing.  He knows what will happen after he has finished his Creation.  He knows what every creature will do the instant they are created, and every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every year, thereafter, for all eternity.  So, let’s stop at this point and analyze the story so far:

A perfect, all-knowing God…after trillions upon trillions of years…decides he wants to create some creatures that look like him.  Why?  Was he bored?  Was he lonely?  He couldn’t have done it for the benefit of man, knowing the horrific suffering and misery that countless billions of humans were going to suffer in the future.  So why?  Christians would say “It is for God to know and for us to accept without question.”


Then God decides that he is going to give the one creature that he made in his image a “free will”.  God gives man the choice to obey God and live a life of eternal bliss or disobey God and “die”.  For some reason, though, God fails to tell man that if man disobeys Him, not only will he die, but after he dies, he will be tossed into a burning caldron of fire, to be burned alive, in excruciating pain, forever and ever and ever…with no end…forever, and ever, and ever.  But I guess that little detail was not relevant at the time.

And to give man the opportunity to exercise this all important Free Will, God creates a Tree of Temptation with Forbidden Fruit, right smack dab in the middle of his Creation, so that man will must walk by this temptation, and exercise his Free Will, every day, to avoid death and, unknown to him, an eternity of being burned alive.

But one day, a walking/talking snake tricks mankind into eating God’s forbidden fruit.  Man chooses to disobey God, and God is really ticked off.  Not only does he punish man with eventual death and eventual burning in his divine torture pit, he curses man with disease, with war, and curses his entire Creation.

Let’s stop again here:  So God got bored one day and created a creature that he KNEW would disobey him, that he KNEW he would punish with terrible diseases, war, and excruciating deaths…and… KNEW that he would toss this creature into a cauldron of boiling fire for suffer FOREVER…but because God was bored, or lonely, or whatever…he created this pitiful plaything anyway!  Certainly sounds sadistic to me.  Kind of like that evil little kid on your street growing up who liked to pull the legs off of bugs and torture other small animals.  He got a kick out of watching others suffer.

Anyway, back to our story.

So man is now living a miserable existence.  Science and medical care is pretty much nonexistent.  Most people die at a very young age.  There are brutal wars, rape, pillaging, child abuse…and God KNEW this was going to happen, because he is ALL-KNOWING.

Suddenly several hundred or thousand of years later, God looks down at his Creation, the Creation that he has cursed, and sees that mankind is evil.  And…he REGRETS having created mankind.  If you regret doing something, doesn’t that mean you are admitting that you made a mistake?? How is it that an All-Knowing, All-Powerful, perfect God makes a mistake?  But, God says he made a mistake, and to fix that mistake, what does he do?  Does he remove the curse that he put on mankind because somebody was tricked by a walking/talking snake to eat his forbidden fruit?  Nope.  God decides to drown them.  That’s right.  The loving, merciful Christian God decides to drown every man, woman, child, and helpless baby because HE made a mistake in creating them.  So he drowns them…all several million of them…including the helpless babies and little children (but saves one “righteous” guy who would eventually become a drunk and run around exposing himself to his sons.)

Ok, let’s speed this story up.

So several thousands of years of horrific human suffering later, God decides he is going to do something to reverse the curse he has put onto mankind.  And this is what he decides:  He decides to send HIMSELF to earth…to die in a human sacrifice…to appease the righteous anger…of HIMSELF!

And that is what he does.  In the year 3 AD (or sometime close to that) the King of the Universe comes to earth as a baby, born in a barn, in a tiny town, in the backwaters of the Middle East, where he works as a carpenter for 30 years, before spending three years preaching in indecipherable parables, finally claiming to be the King of the Jews, which gets him in trouble with the Romans, who promptly nail him to a tree and kill him…which he allows them to do…again, because he needs to kill himself to appease himself.

He dies.  God dies.  God is dead for three days…but only 1/3 of God is dead.  The other 2/3 of God was still alive during those three days.  Then, on the third day, the 1/3 of God comes back to life and appears to his former fishing buddies and disciples, eats a broiled fish lunch with them, goes fishing with them in the Sea of Galilee, and eventually teleports back to heaven from the top of a mountain in Galilee…or a mountain in Bethany…or from an Upper Room in Jerusalem…depending on which story you read.

So, now, you sinful, sons-of-forbidden-fruit-eating scum, all you have to do to remove the curse of your ancestor’s forbidden fruit eating is to believe that this whole story is true, ask forgiveness for your ancestor’s forbidden fruit eating and for your own wicked deeds, bend the knee, and obey this loving, benevolent, righteous, merciful…God.

Do you buy this sick, convoluted tall tale, friend?


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